Why Therapists Leave You in Silence
Time for a secret: We therapists know that our clients hate being left in silence.
OK, that’s not the real secret…the real secret is, we kinda hate it too.
We’re human, just like you, and sitting in silence with someone is UNCOMFORTABLE.
But, we do it anyway. If you’re in therapy, hopefully your therapist leaves some moments of silence between you. So, why?
The answer boils down to one word: EXPERIENCING. The best therapists know that what leads to true growth is helping you not just talk about what’s happening in your life, but EXPERIENCE your inner world in a new way. Great therapists prompt you in ways that facilitate this new and deeper level of experiencing, and often, you need some space and quiet to get there.
Let’s look at an example, direct from my couch:
Jill is going through a divorce of her choosing from a husband who has felt more like a second child than a partner for years. She came to me certain of her decision. Over the weeks we’ve been working together, her certainty has not wavered, but her relief at having made the decision has faded and grief has taken its place.
She says: “I just never thought when I had my son that I’d be raising him mostly alone. This isn’t what I ever wanted for him…[pause]…or me.”
As she says this a little bit of water starts to come into her eyes.
I have two choices here – I can use words to validate, like “Of course. This makes sense, even if we know we don’t want to be with someone, it’s still sad to lose the image of family we had.”
This response will almost certainly feel good and validating to her, it may help her make sense of her experience at a cognitive level, BUT, it will also rescue her from that little bit of water coming to her eyes, from the real emotion of sadness she is starting to make contact with; an emotion she hasn’t yet let herself truly feel because it’s big and scary. And while my human heart and brain want to pull her out of this pain, my therapist brain knows this is exactly where she needs to stay.
So, I make a different choice. I take an audible deep breath in and out to convey that I feel the weight of her words, meet her eyes with mine to show her the empathy I feel and provide safety through my gaze, and say NOTHING. We sit in silence for a moment; long enough that we both feel a little bit squirmy.
Then, she looks down and cries.
Not a deep long cry, but a minute of tears after which she visibly pulls herself together and her emotions in. That was enough for now.
The Cornerstone of Growth
Therapy moments like this are the cornerstone of growth. By sitting with you in the darkest, hardest places, we make it safer to go there and help you stop avoiding your inner world (something all of us humans do…even us therapists), freeing up your energy to move forward.
The best therapy will take you to these dark inner corners…and often it takes silence to get there.
